Blunt Prejudice

As I was listening to the vaguely musical sounds of "Indestructible" this morning on my way to work, I was struck by a realization of pervasive cultural discrimination against bludgeon aficionados. 

I know. Shocking.

Some level of social antagonism toward people who own devices of physical destruction is expected, but it seems to me like there's an unfair hierarchy of integration and acceptance, roughly thus:

1. Firearms
2. Fists and Feet
3. Knives
4. Axes
5. Bludgeons

My evaluation is based primarily on the accessibility and legality of avenues of practice for each category, combined with the availability of socially acceptable employment options.

Firearms have a variety of domestic shooting ranges and animal hunting areas. Job opportunities: Soldier, police officer, retailer, mercenary.

Punchers and kickers have a multitude of dojos and dojo-like places, as well as the streets and schoolyards. Job opportunities: Teacher, stunt person, bodyguard.

Knife fans have kitchens and haberdasheries. Job opportunites: Chef, tailor, gardener.

Axe fans are good as long as lumber remains an industry and trees remain the vile enemy of man they have always been. Job opportunities: Lumberjack.

Bludgeoneers, though...you're Unclean. As the proud owner of two official bludgeons and several more unofficial ones, I feel solidarity with those mace and club users that lack an appropriate venue for practice. "Just go hit a tree or a rock or something in the park," you say. Yes, well, reality generally dictates that you are able to hit anything with anything, but you are also able to shoot, kick, chop, or stab anything, too. I think it's where you do it that determines social acceptability.  If I was seen taking shots with a .357 in a public park or found repeatedly stabbing a shrub (This is purely theoretical, as I do not own a handgun), authorities might be called. These activities have their assigned places. Without them, gun and knife hobbyists would be forced to practice in secret, their sense of right and wrong slowly curdling in bitterness until they become a danger to society.

So, really, do you want giant people with giant clubs (or, less threateningly, regular people with regular clubs) walking the streets idly looking for opportunities to practice their art? 

No. 

So I advocate the construction and propagation of clubbing ranges. 

Imagine! A multitude of warehouses, fields, and private basements populated with meaty homunculoid representations of miscreants, wild beasts, and irritating people from your own personal history. For an extra charge, some targets could be fitted with breakable "bones" to provide that visceral crunch you need to feel some days just to stay sane.

I'm just saying. It seems like a good idea to me.

*Special Note for Spear and Pike enthusiasts: You're pretty much out of luck, too, unless you count needles as spears, in which case, no problem. Job opportunities: Nurse, Tattoo Artist, Acupuncturist, Mean Guy at Birthday Party

UPDATE: Just realized blacksmithing could be an option. Or the SCA, but section III, paragraph B, sub-paragraph 1 of the Marshall's Handbook states that "Striking an opponent with excessive force is forbidden," so that's out. I still want my basement meat garden.

Comments

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I think you've rendered your readers speechless.

[Sam]

Meat tenderiser?

[Q]

Someone who used to live in my dorm gave out valentines last year that said, "You have a piece of my heart" and stapled a shred of lunch meat to them. It reminded me of you.

[Reve]

Wow. I remember the meat from your video of scaring Shannon. Do you, in theory, have a thing for meat?

[Marcus Aurelius]

As someone who knows you as a devoted and loving husband, a doting and gentle father, and a kind and thoughtful friend, I gotta say, you still sometimes creep me right the heck out.

And it doesn't help that I have a pretty crazy imagination and have seen you wielding your polypropylene Indian War Club in your own fists, which are incidentally, for those who don't know, the size of full grown goats.

*Shudder*

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Thank you Marcus, for the character reference. The wife was saying just the other day that if someone I know was ever found with unexplained blunt trauma, I would be hard-pressed to convince the authorities of my naturally peaceable nature.

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